update on calendar of sorts...TMI warnings

4-10 dpo...not much to tell...some cm, nothing weird, mild cramping....starting day 7 i had breast pain, i think this is a first for that. Day 10 started feeling cervix tension like af was coming. got busy with school and started waking up sooner and forgetting about temps. mid day temps are much higher than 98.6, closer to 99.2 etc...morning temps were rather low due to mouth breathing and low over night air temps outside. 97.7 range negative test DPO 8 and DPO 10

11dpo mild cramping, back pain, breasts dont feel the same as they have lately. Spotting pink, mild fresh looking spotting, with diarhea right after cramping. Doesnt feel like diarhea pain. Was actually worried I wouldnt make it to the bathroom. I am not due for period for 3-4 more days. Hope this is implant bleeding. Negative test but strange visual on where the line should have shown up. Will retest after spotting stops or obsessivly until im sure im on my period. Continuing with prenatals. I think I missed one day last week when i switched brands and lost them in the cleaning. I have been nexting since one day pre ovulation.

a calendar of sorts...warning of TMI

Two days before O, slight positive OPK, donor 2 no where to be found, later found out it was the ER. EWCM for several days. Prenatals, and mucinex. forgot to temp

One day before O, completely positive OPk, donor 2 still busy. temp also forgotten today, took a lil after waking and it was still 97.7 ish. lots of EWCM. contacted donor 3. Interview went well. Slightly crampy, and vivid dreams /fantacy distractions. musined/prenatals

Day of O, slight pos OPK still darker than C but not as dark as yesterday, temp 97.11, definate drop. EWCM slightly less than yesterday, worrying i missed O. Donor 3 contacts me to see about plans for now or next month. Given up on donor 2 for this month. Use donor 3 for 'mixed" method cup/n. Cup for 8+ hours. Removal with significant missing S. Hopeful but no symptoms, cramping has stopped. Feel slighty sick to my stomach about 3 hours after BD. Probably cup issues. Restless at night fall asleep at 3-4am til 11 am. Very emotional early in the day. Hoping that is hormonal. musinex and prenatals.

1 DPO. EWCM when wiped, temp 98.14, definate rise. Hoping BD worked. tired but motivated, slightly emotional. Stopped musinex, but continuing Prenatals. more to come as its midday 1dpo.........finished out the day well. no desire to test this early like i did last month. Still a bit of mild cramping. CM drying up just fine. Cant wait to sleep so I can hopefully remember and test temps. It is officiall 2DPO for an hour now, but I will leave that post for tomorrow. I saw a bad accidents aftermath on the way home with kat, we were both emotional about it. Death or near death is never something good to watch. Hope the souls in that car are safe now.

2 DPO ewcm gone, temp 98.08. Much higher than the 77.7s I have been having prior to O. Mild cramping, back hurts from all the house work I am doing. more vivid baby dreams. I dont like the baby names in the dreams but at least they have names in the dreams now.

3dpo....98.18....mild cramping, back pain, migraine but went away when I finally ate something i wanted to eat...odd how the body craves things you end up needing. no desire to test constantly like last time. But heck its only 3dpo...maybe its too early to obsess that much. I feel very emotional and nesty. I want everything clean, not enough space for everything. I guess I will fold and display shirts and hide underwear in dresser. Why did I think 2 drawers was enough. Blah. not really about TTC but still on my mind so much its causing stress. Also told bernie today. She didnt react much, just said oh ok. Then asked how but i didnt give a real answer, just the basics. Then she said hope it works. I was shocked by her lack of response. I am sleepy and will actually be coing to bed before 4 am this time. Night night

this is one of those weeks...

I am super busy with school, and blamo there comes another suprise assignment. Fuckers. I guess i have to pull some sort of lesson out of my ass when I have never met the students before and its an independent education plan classroom so each kid needs the lesson tailored to their needs. I guess its all about paper plate masks or soemthing. Hope they have the supplies or I will just pretend with lined paper. It all sucks ass. I want to just teach math, what can I do with K-6 that is all the same but different. Lame ass shit. I am tired, and angry this week. Not having your rights makes you that way. No sleep makes you that way. Not moving foward with your goals makes you that way. I dont want to blog angry. That is why I am avoiding blogging this week. I will attempt to blog tomorrow when things go better.

TO end on a good note , I still have 100% in the class. Hopefully it stays above 95 by the end of the week. And hopefully I sleep restfully soon. Sigh and goodnight.

wow the weekend flew by

I am so damn tired. Didnt finish nearly half of my to do list. But I did get all my school work done and all was at 100% on my evaluation of said work. Today I got 200 pounds of laundry cleaned and sorted for keep toss and donate. Then I took the dog for a mile fast walk. I also got that cabinet out of my room and a tv stand in my room. I am one tired boi. Tomorrow I will get up at 4am and drive over to D's house and attempt insimination again. Hope it works this month. I hope i get up at 4am. I am so damn tired. Night night world.

so i got the call i was halfway expecting....

You see I broke the spoken rule of my father this week. "Honey, information is something to be shared on a need to know basis" I grew up with this rule meaning several things, mind your own business, dont share family information with strangers, and similar things of that nature. This week I said to myself, fuck his rules. He has brought little to anything to my table as a human, offspring, or what ever you may call me in relation to him. I decided I am following my own path and his paranoid mental issues will not get in the way or my or anyone else's happiness if i have any say in it. So i did the forbidden deed and passed along a phone number. That phone number was used. Here comes the shock. He called me, yes paranoid that it was all some big lie, but not angry as I thought he might be. Yes the whole conversation lasted all of 2 minutes and was completely about him, other than a How are you doing in California question that I know very well he has no interest in the real answer to. I said I am fine. He said as he always does that he is on the way to pick up his wife. She must work really odd hours or several jobs because no matter what time of day we speak he is on the way to pick her up from work. I have decided that is his way of trying to be polite and say bye. I am glad that he seems to have taken the phone call well. I hope him and his brother can speak and learn about one another. I still have odd hope in my fathers ability to snap the fuck out of it and be a human to others who he ganes nothing but joy in communicating with. Or even ganes nothing at all. He you see is a man stuck on self, and in being stuck on self is also stuck on instant gratification. If it has to wait til tomorrow either he didnt want it in the first place or he doesn't have a clue its going to happen.

I used to be mad that this man walked out of my life, but now I thank him for staying away. Yes to hear that my uncle E didnt even know I was alive when he knew my lil sister B was bothers me a bit. Its a small sting now, compaired to all that has happened. But the thing that bothers me the most is that he has kept me from potential knowledge. Knowledge that can help me through my life. The first bit was knowledge of a father's love. That is bad enough to go without, but to also cut me off from family in addition to himself. That is not his choice to do. He can walk away and be a deadbeat, but it is my right as a family member to know the rest of the family. I have no idea what he ganed or avoided in keeping my existance from anyone. I have no idea what else I will learn about family in the years to come. I simply long for that word that so many people take for granted. Especially people with such a large one as I have. People usually can't imagine having as many siblings as I do, and then to imagine never even meeting them until you are an adult. Some of them lost for great whiles. Then after meeting them wondering why I tried so hard in the first place.

The only sibling I cant ever reach again, is the sibling that means the most in my life. In realising this i dont want to miss out anymore on the ones i can reach. But that isnt up to me. I am not in control of their actions or life choices just as they are not in control of mine. I talk to most of them from time to time. We share our likes and dislikes, similarities and differences. But I do not feel that I know them. I do not feel a bond as close as I feel a sibling should feel. And yet I love them. I miss them. I long for their happiness as much as I long for my own.

I try to explain my feelings to my friends, or even just to feel them. I have such mixed feelings this week. My friends can barely imagine their own lives, and mine is well too complicated for them to grasp. So I try to take a step back and just feel. But I feel like crying and I dont know if that is crying for joy, for sorrow, for the child in me, or the child that will soon be my own. I so desperately wanted family growing up. I wanted to belong, but not to a social group of peers, but to my own family. I never felt I had one. My brith mom had her family before I came along, they were grown by the time I could effectively communicate. My dads family was far off back east, and may has well have been on the moon, as I was not allowed to travel to see them. Then there is the family that saw how sad my situation was, or so they felt it was. They took me in, gave me a substitute sense of balance in my life. Tried to fill me with the lord and love and healthy foods and life choices. They had their own problems though and two kids that met all their needs as a family. I never felt I belonged.

I struck out to make my own family and fell for a woman who was not healthy for me. I am glad though I ended up learning it the hard way that I am ok on my own and need no one. Now I am in a rough place where I want to bring a life into this world, but dont know if that is the right thing to do for that life.

Will it long for the family I longed for. Or will I be enough family for that child. Will this child possibly spark some of my current family members desire to be family. Or will it push them away even further. I know my neice on my mothers side really loves the same type of family I miss. I know she will love my child and we will work to have family meals and holidays together. But will it just be us three and whom ever we are dating or married to at the time. Or will it be larger and happier like we remember in the late 80s/early 90s. I can only hope.

I can only hope that I have matured past all of this, and that I have surrounded myself with good people who may not be blood but they are my family. And that family will nurture and support my child in life and happiness. I truely believe blood doesnt make a family....but that doesnt mean that because you are blood you cant be a family too. It is never too late for people to share love with the ones they were born knowing. It is never wrong to extend a helping hand or a kind word to the ones you are suposed to love. Remember that when you have the chance to make a phone can and think twice about it...remember it is ok to call just to say hi and i was thinking of you.

Hugs to all who read this. I know if you got this far at least you care in your own way. And a hug to my little monkey if you ever get to see this. I cant wait to show you around.

another try...soon to be

I woke up this morning and realized it is almost time to try again. This month I am going for all the shots. That damn egg will not get away. Do I want a February baby though. What will that mean for the child. Should I start it off in kindergarten early, or should it grow up the oldest in its class. I liked being a summer child because I knew I was whatever age people thought I should be at the beginning of each school year. Do other kids care about that stuff. I have had friends of all months. The fall babies seem to be the youngest in their class, while winter and spring babies seem to be the oldest. So who ever reads this and wants to give me tips on their own experience or the experience of their children that would be great. I want to post this on my myspace but too many people read that who I have yet to tell I am trying. I feel like now its too late to include them until I know I have been successful at trying. Why must the family I am physically closest to be the ones that I am afraid or unwilling to share this detail with. And yet the family that is new or far away I haven't the slightest hesitation to share the true me with. I fail to include question marks in this because I am not actually asking a question but rather streaming my mind. Yes iI do want advice but I do not want to be picked at. So offer kind words but no judgements please. Thank you...

Today was a big day...I found someone new

I thought as I replied to my uncle T that it would be like any other conversation. Another day in my life. He happened to remember a lost uncle I sort of knew about. And here is the kicker, he remembered the crucial last name as well. I step away from the cell phone and on to the computer. I google the name. Instantly I get the right answer, but am sure it is wrong. There is no way it could be the very first answer on a google reply. I decide in my own way it couldnt be true. I step deeper into my abilities to search and find a reference base of phone numbers. There are only two people in this refernce by that name, and both are the same person, only one is an older reference. I think it must be worth a try, if it matches on three search levels. I take a chance and pick up the phone again. I call the number and fumble through my words to try and explain who I am looking for and why. I give the old speel about how I am doing a family tree. If he knew me he would know anything I do is mental, and not actually a tree of sorts. But he doesnt know me, and we continue. Sure enough he is my father's brother. He uses the term half brother as I like to feel I am the term half child. Everyone is half of something. No one is wholy some one else's being. I dont know why I am often taken back by the words half sibling. Maybe because I have no siblings that somone would consider whole, and yet i dont feel like I am missing half of a sibling. We spoke for a good while and then agreed we must stay in contact. It was refreshing to meet a dedicated member of my family. Someone who has worked for many years, and even though they may not work from time to time, still holds the idea of having a job as something other than novel. It is refreshing. When I met T I knew i wasnt completely alone, but after meeting E I know there is even more hope that I was not dropped off here in california by aliens. There is hope for my children to know family members other than myself as intelectuals. I know my father could have once posessed the mind people give him credit for, but I have never seen this mind, at least not seen it used for good. Maybe they can teach me not to resent being biologically and sociologically related to myself. Thank you again E for answering the phone and taking a chance on a stranger.