so yeah

I was trying to make up days on the 30 day challenge and just cant do it. I will put that off ...who said it had to be 30 days in a row anyway, what is this school?

My life is so very complicated in this moment. I am back to work, soon to be back to school, finally stepped out of my comfort zone and accepted the past. And yet my life is so grand and full of happy things. I dont like feeling compartmentalized and special needs. Though I wish I had her sexy brain I do not wish to relate to the world in the way that BONES relates to the world. I am happily in love with someone and do not want to do anything to fuck this up. I am just in such a mental fuck zone today. That is why I am writing here. I have nothing but positive things to say about my new relationship. Its all the other stuff thats clouding my mind. I think getting back into school where blogging wont be my only creative outlet will help my mind to focus a lot. On the other hand last time I started school was while I was trying to get pregnant. I cant lie and say it doesnt make the idea of pregnancy sound any less appealing than it sounded the first time around.

random new paragraph.

I want a kid...i want bubba to have a sibling. I want maji time. I want relationship time. I want time to find a job and a house. I find myself mourning the loss of the twins. Three kids would have been too much for my body mind and pocket book, but I wouldnt yet be thinking about going through this again so soon. I already see myself consciously or subconsciously preparing. I know I was ovulating this week. I know in two weeks or so my body will shed another layer of former potential life nest and prepare for yet another fertile egg that will go unused. There are so many souls out there who dont have families though. What about those souls. Why do I feel that I must physically create my family. Why do I have no faith in myself as a person enough to think that society would accept me and allow me to adopt a child. I just want to puke at that particular mental space. Blah.

I found out melanie has a baby today. I knew she had one around but didnt know it was her baby. Makes me think of the plans we made once upon a time. The plans we broke together for different reasons. Too bad we will never be friends again. I wonder what kind of parent she will be to Malloy. I wonder where they got that name. I am happy for them and sad for the innocent me that died so many years ago.


I thought of john too much today. Still waiting on official word about my parts being safe. I think I didnt cry enough about that.


I told katherine goodbye today. Not see you later, not whatever....but goodbye. i have never said that to anyone. I have had it said to me and didnt ever want to say it to someone. It was the right choice but it was horrible at the same time. And yet I feel nothing. So i feel bad about feeling nothing.

This rebirth of self is exhausting....i feel like a 2year old that was just born...like i was really born into this new me a long time ago and yet I feel needy and helpless all while feeling complete in every way.



YES here comes that elf i thought I killed.

This is when I would usually walk away. This is when I would think twice about staying here. I know how to get through this phase in self, but it doesnt mean its any easier. This is a bad time to feel this way. This is a bad place to be in. sometimes i wish i was still a cutter. i wish cutting worked for me again. I guess i should start working out again then the pain will be good pain.


Why am I so torn.


I just cant handle me right now. ALL this me is making ME crazy

I want to escape and hide...hiding is what i do...hiding and hugs.


all of this ranting and tears still wont come.

WTF

who ever reads this know it has nothing to do with you...all the YOUS in this are me unless I wrote a name
END RANT RAMBLES

Day 9 - Something you're proud of in the past few days.

Reclaiming my besties tattoo for its original meaning. It was supposed to mean always be true to your friends. Loyalty, honesty, and love above all other impulses. It is happy to have its individuality back. I love it as the sign on the bottom of my wondering wisteria. I love my three little monkeys hanging out in my tree. Sigh...growth and change dont come without growing pains and unknown futures.

Day 8 - Short term goals for this month and why.

This one took more thought than usual. I wanted to say become more physically active, but thats a given in my current life experience. So I had to rethink. I think my goal is to make it through July as me. Raw unfiltered (uncut) me. And to share me openly as much as possible with those around me. I need to do this for ever level of me that has ever been squashed out by someone else.

What an emotional month july has been so far

I know every year July is a tough month. Usually I do not cope well with this month. I had a rough one even with the happiness of pregnancy, and the happiness of my first summer as a parent. This year is different. Its the first year I just feel like me. That being said the universe continues to take this time to throw new challenges my way. The difference is I am prepared now for what ever life chooses to send my way. I cant wait to see what the end of summer has to bring, as the beginning of summer started with fireworks and happy times. The end of summer should be so sweet. In the coming weeks I will turn another year older, but for the first time in a long while that doesnt upset me. I am content to be me in every way. I am happy to share me with others. I will continue to do so throughout the rest of this lunar year. I love who I am and who I am available to be for others. Much love to me. And much love to all who I love.

Day 7 - A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.

This little soul changed my life forever. I loved him before it entered his or my body. That live growing inside of me was scary, and exciting all at the same time. I know I will parent more children but none will ever again be my first soul to care for beyond my own.

was it a mistake or will power (and finding out who true freinds are)

I got an early appointment to check out Big C. Had a long talk with the doctor and prepared my heart and mind for the worst case scenario. Then he started the procedure, painted on the contrast dye, and waited the few seconds that seemed like hours. Then he looked at me puzzled. He couldnt find anything. There was nothing he could see in contrast to biopsy. I dont know what was there before, maybe that mucus membrane related crap he mentioned, but all I know is he said nothing is there now. He took a sample much deeper and further up than a typical pap smear just to be sure, but I have faith that this scare is over.

That being said, its sad that things like this show us who really care. I know ive said this time and time again, but I must live by my new rule. "does this positively affect me or my family in anyway?" if I cant answer that question with a yes or something very similar to yes then it simply shouldnt be a part of my life. Why is it so hard to let go of some unhealthy, unhappy friendships. Should I change my phone number? Do I need to change my facebook? How can I just get away from the people in my life that I wish were not. Its not that I hate them or that I dont wish them well in their journey. Its just that I am trying my best to do well on my journey and they are simply creating more obstacles than I care to handle. Is this something that needs to be communicated to these people, or should it happen more organically? I just dont know. I dont want to mislead anyone, but I dont want to cause unnecessary drama either. I guess sometimes you just have to breakup with friends. Sometimes you dont just grow apart naturally. Oh well Im sure I will figure out how to say goodbye somehow. For now I am too happy about the first part of this blog to focus on the second part.

Day 6 - Your favorite Superhero and why.

Might sound a bit narcissistic but I am truly my favorite superhero. After all whenever bad shit happens to me I come running to the rescue. I wouldnt have it any other way. Without me how would I survive, thrive and enjoy life as much as I do. I havent always felt this strongly about my own superhero abilities, but looking back on life its easy to see that a big part of me has always been my protector, my guide, my one true friend. It is this ability to love, honor, and protect myself that allowed me to bring my son into this world, and to teach him how to be his own superhero too.

Day 5 - A picture of somewhere you've been.

I have been to the depths of my soul and taken a piece off to share with another. I have known what it is to bring life into this world. That is the best place I can ever imagine going. Its a never ending vacation that I always cant wait to continue. Having this precious person in my life was well worth the wait and journey.

Day 4 - A habit that you wish you didn't have.

Wow, until recently I would have said drinking soda, but switched to water in late June and while I have had a few sips here and there of other things water is all my body really wants.

I guess my bad habit is being unkempt. I wish I had built a healthy routine of tidying my space as I go so that it wouldnt be such a pain to keep up with. I guess now that I have a toddler he is a good excuse but the real problem is a lack of foundational training in how to maintain a home. Even my adoptive parents were unkempt at times, sanitary but unkempt. I think that is something I will work on, starting with the most basic spaces, my car and my bathroom. Then hopefully it will transfer into kitchen and bedroom. Maybe I will update on this particular one at a later date.

Glad to be here

I used to be the go to person in a crisis, unless that crisis was my own. Then I had no skills what so ever to pick up the pieces. I have told myself time and time again that I am in a good place, and then been proven oh so very wrong by my own self doubt and mind crushing sadness and lack of hope. I stopped saying that to myself for a long time for fear of the universe throwing me things I was simply not ready to deal with just to test my soul and crush it. These past two, two and a half years may have started with rock bottom, but they have allowed me to grow into a person who can take a blow and not even fall down. I got some of the worst news the other day. The C word. I had my moment of tears, of rage and of shock. I called the people I needed to call and dealt with the information in a healthy way. What would have taken weeks, or months to process before was taken in, dealt with and made peace with in a matter of hours this go around. I am no longer afraid to say I am ok. I am no longer afraid of the energy I put out there returning to me. I love me and I am not going to give up on this for anything. Hugs to the old me. I am sorry I had to put you through that to get to here, but you are strong and safe now in this space. You cry, you laugh...you feel exactly how ever you feel at any given moment. I love you and I will be here for you no matter what.

Now to examine big C and get this show on the road.


I need to find a better job, a bigger place to live, and do my best to make that body for my baby to live in. Maybe that body was already made by someone else. I dont know. But I know this spirit is haunting me in a good way. This spirit wants to experience life on this world more than anything and wants me to be the guide for the first few decades. I love you baby #2. Big hugs and lots of Kisses.

Day 3 -A picture of you and your friends.

First there is Audrey and my precious little man. The two friends I know I have known the longest and will always know. Second Is my friend Crystal, my son, and myself at my sons 1st birthday party. And last but not least is Meghan, the best thing I never knew I wanted in my life. My son is there twice because he is (outisde of myself) truly my best friend. I love everyone above each for different reasons. These are the people I can be myself unfiltered with the most and they take exactly as I am.

Day 2 - The meaning behind your blog name. (some reason this didnt post)

My blog name pretty much speaks for itself. I mean I try to live an open and honest life, but learned long ago wearing your heart on your sleeve is hard enough, carrying all your unfiltered baggage around on your sleeve gets a bit too heavy and you might lose your shirt. Anyway. I made this blog when I first met my uncle Earl. I made it to share myself with people who might not always see all that is me, because I can show them. I cant show them for many reasons. One I dont communicate verbally as well as I should, and two many people in my family are spread out all over the world. I just needed a friend to call home and a place to share my thoughts with that home. I found this, a blog. A safe place for my mind to all ow my worlds to escape and rest peacefully knowing they were safe from the eyes of anyone I didnt see fit to know things about my inner me. I dont know much of what else to say about it. If anyone reads this and its unclear just ask and I will share a bit more of me with you.

Day 1- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself.

1) I have finally reached that level of self honesty I always talked about but never fully felt.

2) I can touch my nose with my tongue.

3) I love to cook for others but dont like to eat the food I cook or do the dishes after.

4) I have a blonde spot on the back of my head.

5) I am much more affectionate and love hugs more than most of my family will ever know.

6) I am an independent parent by choice, and always have been.

7) I am not female or male, I refuse to be put into either of those boxes yet enjoy both at the same time.

8) I have insomnia often because I am uncomfortable sleeping in the night....I was meant to be nocturnal.

9) I am a romantic person but sometimes hold back for fear of scaring people away.

10) I love myself more than I love anyone else.

11) I do math for fun.

12) I wish I knew how to read books for pleasure.

13) I like to cut hair but will probably never be professionally trained in that field of art.

14) I use education as an escape from my making my own path in life.

15) I sometimes cry at food commercials because I think they are evil and contribute to childhood obesity.

Bonus (about picture) sleep is my drug of choice

30 day challenge...this sounds like fun

Maybe this is what I need to get the direction I need to start writing again

Day 1- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 2 - The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 3 -A picture of you and your friends.
Day 4 - A habit that you wish you didn't have.
Day 5 - A picture of somewhere you've been.
Day 6 - Your favorite Superhero and why.
Day 7 - A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.
Day 8 - Short term goals for this month and why.
Day 9 - Something you're proud of in the past few days.
Day 10 - Songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyper, mad.
Day 11 - Another picture of you and your friends.
Day 12 - How you found out about blogs and why you made one.
Day 13 - A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 14 - A picture of you and your family.
Day 15 - Put your iPod on shuffle; first 10 songs that play.
Day 16 - Another picture of yourself.
Day 17 - Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why.
Day 18 - Plans/Dreams/Goals you have.
Day 19 - Nicknames you have; why do you have them?
Day 20 - Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future.
Day 21 - A picture of something that makes you happy.
Day 22 - What makes you different from everyone else?
Day 23 - Something you crave a lot.
Day 24 - A letter to your parents.
Day 25 - What I would find in your purse.
Day 26 - What you think about your friends.
Day 27 - Why are you doing this 30 day challenge?
Day 28 - A picture of you in the last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29 - In this past month what have you learned?
Day 30 - Who are you?

crap i found on live journal...damn i was young and stupid

Saturday, March 10th, 2007
3:09 am	stream of consciousness...dont even know how to spell... Tonight was fun....mostly....But i broke several fundamental self designed and self designated rules. Always be true to yourself, never drive drunk, always be honest even if you can only tell yourself the truth. As i go through life i put myself through many tests. Most i pass, all i learn from and few I fail. Tonight I went on a date with a seemingly hetero woman. Wasnt so much a date and as excuse for both of us to get out fo the house...we are for what ever reasons mostly nonsocial people. I hate this about myself. So out comes the social lube. I even felt like dancing tonight. NEVER OCCURS IN MY WORLD. But a few strange occurances happend. A person im not sure if i wanted around touched me. A man dressed as a woman touched me. And I did nothing to stop them. Am i just becoming socially ok with people I do not like entering my space....am i back at the stage i was in when i gave up and started dating men? Why must all this shit be so hard to sort out. that is not a question but rather an on going life lesson. For those of you who dont know I work with special abilities children....My favorite of which is children who have autism...they are so lovable....but are fundamentally incapable of generalizing the question "WHY?" ...everything is either black and white in their world or they make it black and white. I sort of envy and dislike this particular inability to generalize. I mean I would love to live in a world where everything was planned out....but I know I would also miss freedom of choice....That leads to another thought though....do we really have choices...or do we just have consequences for our actions even if we didnt plan the actions or not. That is how life is for the autistic. LIving in a suposedly black and white world. They are just unaware of their superiors constant molding of daily life into a socialy normative rote sort of lifestyle. In that way I would not want that life at all. I would need to be certain that the being predisposing my destiny knew atleast more than educators know about Applied Behavior Analysis, or I would not want my life to rest in their hands. That just makes me sad though, because these kids rely on me and my peers to help them form into functioning adults in society. So the basics of this writing was....though it may be extremely lacking in bluntness....is that I AM PMSING, I AM SAD, I WISH I HAD A JOB THAT DIDNT CHALLENGE ME EMOTIONALLY, I WANT A HUG, LIFE SUCKS. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 24th, 2005
11:14 pm	i guess this place is safe to write in...at this point i dont really care I dont know what im trying to write here but if i dont let my thoughts out of my head and into the world i will not be able to pass what ever stage it is that I am in. maybe i need therapy again, no actually i know i do but maybe i need something more than therapy. Who cares about that..its not what im trying to say. I need to find myself again i guess all these girl and life changes have forced me to lose sight of myself once again. I know im in the same room as me but ive lost touch with what i need out of life or maybe im just not being completely honest with the world about what i want cause if everyone knew then it would make me vulnerable so i carry this mask that they have given me of the shy girl who sits in the corner when all i really want to be is the talkative friendly taken girl. Yes i said taken. i want someone to share my life with a partner a friend a person whom i can say anything to and know that they wont walk away or step on my heart. Just when i think ive found a girl like that i find out i was horribly wrong, or that they are just not ready for what it is that I want. Then i take it personally as if maybe i shouldnt want what i want. Maybe i am being naive or wanting too much, but I refuse to give up, or let in. If i dont push for what i want out of life who will. If that means im single forever then who cares...well i do care, but its not worth compromising myself even though that is exactly what i do areound girls that like me or i like them i am anything but myself. I am in a way because no matter what i am me. But i want the old me back the good the bad the worse. I want to be naughty again, sex isnt a bad thing, sex isnt evil. I should just let lose and do as i please. what is keeping me from doing so. why do i need to tell everyon that im celibate. Its like im trying to keep up this lonely shy girl persona when i shouldnt be. What ever. i dont know what im saying anymore and im not getting to the point. I really like Katherine and wish it wasnt so damn hard to talk to girls when you like them. I hate when things get confusing. I just want to love someone. I just want to care about someone as someone cares about me. The older i get the more i feel the need to understand my own past, but i think this need is keeping me from having a present or a future with people other than myself. So i am here to both forgive and let rest to all things of my past. Yes melanie that means you. I know you will never read this but our relationship was an inapropriate one. yes mom that means you are right, I should never have married her and i was too young to start being that sexual. Now that im older i guess i see that but i never would have had the chance to see it unless i experianced it. I should not have had sex with 10 men just to make sure im lesbian. It was inappropirate and leaves me in this limbo identity of almost BI. I think thats why i hate bi people so much. Maybe I am one of them. I need to stop the cycle of hate and negative feelings. I need to be more accepting of myself so that i can be accepting of others. I have loved a few people over the summer in the extreme ways i used to love people when i was a teenager. Is this my new comming of age. Is this the real feelings i should of had when i was that age. Is it to late to become the person ive wanted to be all a long. All i know right now is that im so lonely that i could cry. But i cant cry enough. I need to let loose i need to be free. I need to be ok alone and happy together. its ok to be single and its ok to be alone. its ok to be hugged and loved. I deserve to be surrounded by people who love me. Just be yourself and dont not do things because you think someone might not like it. being me is the key. if it feels like something kind to do then do it. that is all for now (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 8th, 2005
3:44 am	song Invalid video URL. music video code by urbnmix.net fall out boy - sugar we're going down (Comment on this)
Friday, July 29th, 2005
7:56 am	trying to read this book... blah its soo damn hot already, why why must summer be so hot, why cant we have nice lil rain storms? anyway i read this book back when i was 13 or 14, its called life 101, and is a great book, but probably too indepth for a 13 year old and so its making me think, if I was trying to read stuff like this everytime i picked up a book so far it is no wonder that I rarely pick up a book in the first place. I need to find some fun books to read, maybe I will go to tower today. I was going to read my library of sorts to start off with, but its mostly filled with relationship improvement books, lesbian erotica, or obsolete school books, none of which are motivating me to open them and read all the words. I finally had to go online to get a version of life 101 that i could edit out all the distracting quotes. I mean i love this book but i have the attention span of an ant lately and cant be distracted by all these tid bits of wisdom. Should i be picky and care what form i am reading in as long as im reading? i guess im only picky cause i know i can read things on the computer but i want to like reading straight from the book, which i have yet to find a book that i can read cover to cover without wanting to die. Im working on this though..i am determind to find a book that i both love and can read without it causing me pain. I love to write after all, and i dont want to cause other people pain, so why are books causing me pain, i never did anything mean to them, and i respect that someone put their soul on paper. I dunno i feel like im rambling here, probably because i slept too much yesterday and now im on one of my staying awake allday things..blah..i better stop here before i go on about nothing for a novel worth of crap..anyway if any of you have read "life 101" by john-roger and peter williams..let me know...k? i want to see if im the only one that thinks the quotes are cool but distracting? and if you have read it maybe you could point me to a book similar yet less painful to read. thanks Current Mood: bored (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 27th, 2005
2:01 am	majesta is writing again...finally..a sign that im happy Untitled... You sit there holding it thinking, no I don’t want to do this, but you know it will release all that has built up within you over time, you know it is what you need, it is what drives your every days thoughts. You lift the sharp edge to the sky and ask for some divine intervention, but no one is listening to your cries, no one hears the soul deep inside of you crying. You alas give in to the urge to free yourself; you lower the edge and gently slide it across your barren skin. Out pours the live, the pain, the hell that has built up within you, out pours the wounded part of your soul. It pours out in the form of blood, the form of life not yet lived, the form of freakish thoughts ever lasting, you wish for it to stop your pain, but with it comes more pain, but this pain is real it is tangible, you can feel it, see it, taste it with everything that you are and so can the rest of the world. It is not some hidden feeling like sorrow, heartbreak or grief, it is not some imaginary thing like emotion, it is real and this very reality shocks you into submission every time. You can not keep it away, you can avoid it, you can put it off, but you will never truly be free until you release the pain within, and show the world that this pain you feel is real, just as real as if you were ran over by a diesel truck. But then you think, why, why the fuck must I show the world, why are they so fucking blind as to not see my pain. Is my pain any less real that if I were struck by lightening or if I fell from a burning building? NO! you scream as the blood draining from your body begins to slow, no your pain is real and they don’t give a fuck that it is, that is your real problem, you know that the words they say don’t mean shit, that they are empty words of compassion, that they are really calling you crazy behind your back. You think why must I care what they think, why must I breath the air that they breath, why must I give a damn. And then you reach into your soul and you find the solace you were in search of, you find that you are the only one that gives a damn if you live or die and then and only then you promise yourself that you are now going to do both, live and die on your terms. No one is going to tell you to take another breath if you don’t think you want to, and no one is going to tell you to lay in a grave until you are damn well ready…so fuck the world, fuck them all, its just you, you and it in alone in a room, now free of the pressure that was building for so long, and yet it still drives your every thought. You now have clotted, you will soon scar and then the scar will dissipate, but it will always be there in the back of you mind, you will always wonder when and where the next time will be that you must cut yourself deep enough to reach your soul and set it free. Current Mood: naughty (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 26th, 2005
5:09 pm	yeah so its late and i just woke up... i finally got the birthday that i wanted...well so far...nothing to do but sleep and do what the fuck i want...got a few emails from friends some happy some not..oh well..im too sleepy to care...i think im going to read a book today..time for me to start liking books, if 22 isnt a good time what is...well for now im going to curl up with my stuffed animals and veg...hugs to all who care....HAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPYYYYY DAIZE Current Mood: apathetic (Comment on this)
12:00 am	happy birthday me!!!! yay for me...im finally old...22...no biggie..maybe now i will become all mature and responsible..but i doubt it. More likely to just have fun whenever i feel like it...got to love having fun when you please..and I am old enough to pick when where and how..so watch out...im hyper and ready for some fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: dorky (Comment on this)
Friday, July 22nd, 2005
1:20 am	life.... Life has a weird way of sorting things out, or is that time, I'm not sure what it is but I know it felt good to tell people at social that I am finally happy with myself, I love me, and nothing is going to change that, not a girl, sure as hell not a boy, and not my mother, I am happy for once and i just recently realised that this is what I am feeling, didnt recongnise this feeling as it went into a coma a few years back, but the giggly girl finally woke up...the girl that loves good times, the girl that will do anything at anytime to let someoneelse feel this good, the girl that isnt afraid to wear her heart on her sleeve cause she knows she will take care of it even if no one else does, the girl that doesnt give a shit what someone else thinks of her the girl that just wants to life and let life, love and be loved, the girl that all of you miss, she is back and shes having a great time...IM not afraid of the dark, the world, the night, im not afraid to love myself and other people, im not afraid to care to feel to do what ever i fucking feel like, IM not a slut im not a fucked up teenager im nothing that anyone else projects me to be, I am ME that simple folks, take me or leave me, wont have much effect cause I have and will live, love and smile with or without you...with you would probably be better since im sure if we are friends you make me smile, but if your intentions are to make me frown, cry, or even die then bye bye because this lil girl is not buying into your way of life anymore, this lil girl is all grown up and loves the woman that she has become...im so glad that im happy now, and im going to stay this way...im not giving up on me anymore...so ladies get ready...BABYMAJJIE IS BACK AND READY FOR SOME FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: naughty (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 20th, 2005
1:22 am	drinking..mmmm not drunk yet..probably wont be...but i feel nice...and laid back...mmmmm...and im talking to a cute girl...at least i think shes cute in her pic...too bad she and i havent met so we could be hanging out now instead im typing in this weird journal i created to get a gold star cause i love gold stars...lol...well taht is all. Current Mood: drunk

Havent written in a while...

Not because there is nothing to say, but because there is no time in which to say it.

That last post just made me cry a little. If I had only known in that post that I was actually losing one baby to gain another, i am unsure if I would have gotten to the latter. That period I was unsure what was going on. I gave up on the whole thing. I knew I had one more visit scheduled with B already and so I just toughed it out another few days, had the period from hell, then a quicker than usual ovulation. B didnt mind coming by earlier than planned, and I didnt mind staying in bed doing my best to make this one last try work. Little did I know the 4th of july weekend I would be stung by wasps repeadedly and wonder to myself if allergy medication was acceptable. I thank whomever out there for those wasps, cause they only know what I may have done with my depressed weekend had I not been stung. Instead I took a test, it looked blank like all the others. So i cleaned up the house a bit for company, and returned to the bathroom to throw away said Pee Stick and bam, a thin hazy line appeared. I took a picture and must have emailed 30 people within that first hour to ask if they saw what I saw. Thats when I learned there is no such thing as a false positive. I got it confirmed the next morning. A few weeks later I got a scare cause I found out miscarriages do a faint positive too. That time was scarey and so were the first 12-15 weeks when I wasnt sure if I was going to be able to keep this baby, or at that time was still worrying it was babies. But three turned into one, and one grew and grew.

days,weeks, months, went by...I was scared sometimes but looking at my youtube account I can see how happy I was. 7 months in my cervix freaked out. I was measuring due but couldnt be due. No donor in april. I did my best to keep my baby safe. I left the house seldom and when I did I took people with me.

Until that night. The night the neighbor tried to kill her boyfriends new fling. after a nearly sleepless night 2am came and blood curdling sounds came from downstairs. A woman or women begging for their lives. The house shook. I couldnt remember being that scared in a long time, two women behind barred doors and windows fighting to the death it seemed. I am glad I wasnt the only responder. Yet I could feel the contractions starting. I could feel my pelvis slipping. As soon as L was safe my other neighbors sent me back upstairs to rest. I tried but visions from my own abusive life flooded in. I did my best to catch a nap. I think I slept 4 hours.

Soon it was evening, Contractions were getting worse, but they had been steady for several weeks now so i was comfortable with them. Then I had to pee. I peed, stopped, and something else started coming out. I knew it must be my water, but it was so slow in its trickle. I took my time taking a shower, I tried to enjoy every moment of ME time I had left. I grabbed a lightly packed bag, and told a friend to take me to the hospital. She was too sick to drive. So I called my mom and said lets go, i think i need a checkup.

we took that drive/walk I had taken almost daily at this point. But finally I was close enough to get my cervix checked without fear of spontaneous birth. I was already 3.5 cm. I knew i was progressing though. I could feel the changes, similar to a rough period...oh so many of those I have survived through (am surviving through one as i type this). The monitors kept saying nothing was happening. The test to see if my water broke was inconclusive. They ordered an ultrasound. I got to see my lil buddy's heart beat for the last time on the inside of me.

They said i was ok and wanted to send me home. Told me to go pee. I tried to go ...i was trapped on the toilet. The nurse helped me back to the bed and checked me again...this time i was 7cm. they ordered a room in L&D. Then a nurse came in I will call her nurse bitch of badnews. She wanted me to walk to L&D while a human was falling out of my pelvis. I insisted on a chair. We get to L&D and I want an epi, but my veins are too small. She tries and tries to give me an IV, telling me to calm down as my body begins to take over.

She heads out of the room to get help with the IV and to see why the monitors are down...the whole hospital computer system decided to go down so they dont even know my blood type.

Just then I felt a rush over my body like I have never felt before...somewhere between dry heaves and and orgasm ....that is the only way i can describe it. It is as though my whole body was taking a shit and yet happy about it. I call out to a member of the housecleaning team that was mopping the floor and tell her I am going to push that I cant hold him in anymore.

She hit the code button and all hell broke loose. An older nurse, I will call her nurse grabby hands, and nurse bitch of badnews came rushing back in along with a meds doctor. med doc took my left arm and tried to find a vein, bitch of badnews told me its about to hurt even worse, and grabby hands shoved both hands up my shit to catch my kid. Grabby hands made me pull my legs back with one hand cause of med doc being all lame with my good hand. and someone threw on some oxygen which I hate. I cant breath that shit. So i pushed and then i complained and ripped off the oxygen. Pushed half a time again and my angel was here with me. I could touch him but not really reach him. His poor lil cord was so small. They asked who should cut it and my mom jumped up. I couldnt let her do it. I called out Katherine cause I knew it was important to have that separation between myself and my mother when it came to cutting my child's cord.

They handed me this wonderful, ugly, beautiful mess of a child. His poor head was all smushed and lumpy, his body covered in protective fluids. I waited for a cry, and got a smile instead. I asked for help. I was ok with help at this point. I just wanted this precious being to know life and love. They fixed him right up.

I got to be with him the whole first day. He slept really well. He looked awful though. I didnt know what was wrong but I knew it wasnt good. They snatched him away and it broke my heart. I didnt get to see him for hours. I was a lil dead inside. I pumped the best I could and got like one tube of milk.

I wanted him to be breastfed so bad. I rushed to his room and they were feeding him with a tube of formula...my heart broke again. I felt like i failed him twice. I got over it but it hurt so bad that I couldnt do something so natural for this little helpless pile of love. I did my best to make it through that day.

And the days to follow


He came home on the 1st of March....a day I will always remember....he was the only baby to get released at 9pm, cause he was supposed to be released the friday before and someone lost the papers.






Now....

Here I sit...coming up on 17 months later. He is a wonderful young individual. He has matured so much from that fragile 5lb preemie (6.8 at birth). He stands tall and walks proud. He eats well and breaths completely unassisted. I love him as much if not more today than that first day.


I sit here

I sit here and wonder when and how my next bundle is to come into my life. I wonder how my first bundle will relate to my new bundle. I wonder how my new bundle will be as an individual. I crave to expand my family.
I do so coming from a place of love and complete happiness and yet fear is holding me back. Fear of lack of money, fear of lack of preparedness, and fear of slipping back into a me I never want to revisit. I doubt I would ever be as depressed as I was before I found out seth was with us. Yet I know how hard trying again will be. I know the risks of losing more babies. I know its worth the risk. I know I can do this. Seth and baby2 need each other. They need a sibling to call family. I know seth will have his friends growing up but nothing is like the love of a sibling. I only wish I knew of a way to make this happen sooner than later.


I have already started to dream of B2. This is how seth came to me. This wonderful soul visited me in my dreams and comforted me. He told me how hard it would be and yet how much love I would have for him and how that love would make everything ok. I cant give up on B2, I cant. I am meant to be a parent to this soul. The soul that haunts me every loss. This soul that is trying so very hard to be a part of my family. I just need to make the body in which it can live safely and healthfully. I must come to a comfort zone that will make this happen. B2 has been waiting too long, through too much loss.

I love you already B2, and your big sibling S loves you too.

You tell me honey, you tell me when its time for you to join us. I will do what ever I can to make it happen and will welcome you gladly with the same open arms I welcomed S with. I love you, and see you working so hard in summerland. I know you were with S when he arrived and you helped him stay safe. I love you so much for that. I love you for sacrificing yourself for him. Your time is near. Just let me know youre ready, im ready, let me know its time and I will do what ever I need to get to you.


I love you all my precious angels. I love you more than any letter will ever let you know. And I know you understand and feel that love.

Hugs from ommy J...kisses too.