so yeah

I was trying to make up days on the 30 day challenge and just cant do it. I will put that off ...who said it had to be 30 days in a row anyway, what is this school?

My life is so very complicated in this moment. I am back to work, soon to be back to school, finally stepped out of my comfort zone and accepted the past. And yet my life is so grand and full of happy things. I dont like feeling compartmentalized and special needs. Though I wish I had her sexy brain I do not wish to relate to the world in the way that BONES relates to the world. I am happily in love with someone and do not want to do anything to fuck this up. I am just in such a mental fuck zone today. That is why I am writing here. I have nothing but positive things to say about my new relationship. Its all the other stuff thats clouding my mind. I think getting back into school where blogging wont be my only creative outlet will help my mind to focus a lot. On the other hand last time I started school was while I was trying to get pregnant. I cant lie and say it doesnt make the idea of pregnancy sound any less appealing than it sounded the first time around.

random new paragraph.

I want a kid...i want bubba to have a sibling. I want maji time. I want relationship time. I want time to find a job and a house. I find myself mourning the loss of the twins. Three kids would have been too much for my body mind and pocket book, but I wouldnt yet be thinking about going through this again so soon. I already see myself consciously or subconsciously preparing. I know I was ovulating this week. I know in two weeks or so my body will shed another layer of former potential life nest and prepare for yet another fertile egg that will go unused. There are so many souls out there who dont have families though. What about those souls. Why do I feel that I must physically create my family. Why do I have no faith in myself as a person enough to think that society would accept me and allow me to adopt a child. I just want to puke at that particular mental space. Blah.

I found out melanie has a baby today. I knew she had one around but didnt know it was her baby. Makes me think of the plans we made once upon a time. The plans we broke together for different reasons. Too bad we will never be friends again. I wonder what kind of parent she will be to Malloy. I wonder where they got that name. I am happy for them and sad for the innocent me that died so many years ago.


I thought of john too much today. Still waiting on official word about my parts being safe. I think I didnt cry enough about that.


I told katherine goodbye today. Not see you later, not whatever....but goodbye. i have never said that to anyone. I have had it said to me and didnt ever want to say it to someone. It was the right choice but it was horrible at the same time. And yet I feel nothing. So i feel bad about feeling nothing.

This rebirth of self is exhausting....i feel like a 2year old that was just born...like i was really born into this new me a long time ago and yet I feel needy and helpless all while feeling complete in every way.



YES here comes that elf i thought I killed.

This is when I would usually walk away. This is when I would think twice about staying here. I know how to get through this phase in self, but it doesnt mean its any easier. This is a bad time to feel this way. This is a bad place to be in. sometimes i wish i was still a cutter. i wish cutting worked for me again. I guess i should start working out again then the pain will be good pain.


Why am I so torn.


I just cant handle me right now. ALL this me is making ME crazy

I want to escape and hide...hiding is what i do...hiding and hugs.


all of this ranting and tears still wont come.

WTF

who ever reads this know it has nothing to do with you...all the YOUS in this are me unless I wrote a name
END RANT RAMBLES