Havent written in a while...

Not because there is nothing to say, but because there is no time in which to say it.

That last post just made me cry a little. If I had only known in that post that I was actually losing one baby to gain another, i am unsure if I would have gotten to the latter. That period I was unsure what was going on. I gave up on the whole thing. I knew I had one more visit scheduled with B already and so I just toughed it out another few days, had the period from hell, then a quicker than usual ovulation. B didnt mind coming by earlier than planned, and I didnt mind staying in bed doing my best to make this one last try work. Little did I know the 4th of july weekend I would be stung by wasps repeadedly and wonder to myself if allergy medication was acceptable. I thank whomever out there for those wasps, cause they only know what I may have done with my depressed weekend had I not been stung. Instead I took a test, it looked blank like all the others. So i cleaned up the house a bit for company, and returned to the bathroom to throw away said Pee Stick and bam, a thin hazy line appeared. I took a picture and must have emailed 30 people within that first hour to ask if they saw what I saw. Thats when I learned there is no such thing as a false positive. I got it confirmed the next morning. A few weeks later I got a scare cause I found out miscarriages do a faint positive too. That time was scarey and so were the first 12-15 weeks when I wasnt sure if I was going to be able to keep this baby, or at that time was still worrying it was babies. But three turned into one, and one grew and grew.

days,weeks, months, went by...I was scared sometimes but looking at my youtube account I can see how happy I was. 7 months in my cervix freaked out. I was measuring due but couldnt be due. No donor in april. I did my best to keep my baby safe. I left the house seldom and when I did I took people with me.

Until that night. The night the neighbor tried to kill her boyfriends new fling. after a nearly sleepless night 2am came and blood curdling sounds came from downstairs. A woman or women begging for their lives. The house shook. I couldnt remember being that scared in a long time, two women behind barred doors and windows fighting to the death it seemed. I am glad I wasnt the only responder. Yet I could feel the contractions starting. I could feel my pelvis slipping. As soon as L was safe my other neighbors sent me back upstairs to rest. I tried but visions from my own abusive life flooded in. I did my best to catch a nap. I think I slept 4 hours.

Soon it was evening, Contractions were getting worse, but they had been steady for several weeks now so i was comfortable with them. Then I had to pee. I peed, stopped, and something else started coming out. I knew it must be my water, but it was so slow in its trickle. I took my time taking a shower, I tried to enjoy every moment of ME time I had left. I grabbed a lightly packed bag, and told a friend to take me to the hospital. She was too sick to drive. So I called my mom and said lets go, i think i need a checkup.

we took that drive/walk I had taken almost daily at this point. But finally I was close enough to get my cervix checked without fear of spontaneous birth. I was already 3.5 cm. I knew i was progressing though. I could feel the changes, similar to a rough period...oh so many of those I have survived through (am surviving through one as i type this). The monitors kept saying nothing was happening. The test to see if my water broke was inconclusive. They ordered an ultrasound. I got to see my lil buddy's heart beat for the last time on the inside of me.

They said i was ok and wanted to send me home. Told me to go pee. I tried to go ...i was trapped on the toilet. The nurse helped me back to the bed and checked me again...this time i was 7cm. they ordered a room in L&D. Then a nurse came in I will call her nurse bitch of badnews. She wanted me to walk to L&D while a human was falling out of my pelvis. I insisted on a chair. We get to L&D and I want an epi, but my veins are too small. She tries and tries to give me an IV, telling me to calm down as my body begins to take over.

She heads out of the room to get help with the IV and to see why the monitors are down...the whole hospital computer system decided to go down so they dont even know my blood type.

Just then I felt a rush over my body like I have never felt before...somewhere between dry heaves and and orgasm ....that is the only way i can describe it. It is as though my whole body was taking a shit and yet happy about it. I call out to a member of the housecleaning team that was mopping the floor and tell her I am going to push that I cant hold him in anymore.

She hit the code button and all hell broke loose. An older nurse, I will call her nurse grabby hands, and nurse bitch of badnews came rushing back in along with a meds doctor. med doc took my left arm and tried to find a vein, bitch of badnews told me its about to hurt even worse, and grabby hands shoved both hands up my shit to catch my kid. Grabby hands made me pull my legs back with one hand cause of med doc being all lame with my good hand. and someone threw on some oxygen which I hate. I cant breath that shit. So i pushed and then i complained and ripped off the oxygen. Pushed half a time again and my angel was here with me. I could touch him but not really reach him. His poor lil cord was so small. They asked who should cut it and my mom jumped up. I couldnt let her do it. I called out Katherine cause I knew it was important to have that separation between myself and my mother when it came to cutting my child's cord.

They handed me this wonderful, ugly, beautiful mess of a child. His poor head was all smushed and lumpy, his body covered in protective fluids. I waited for a cry, and got a smile instead. I asked for help. I was ok with help at this point. I just wanted this precious being to know life and love. They fixed him right up.

I got to be with him the whole first day. He slept really well. He looked awful though. I didnt know what was wrong but I knew it wasnt good. They snatched him away and it broke my heart. I didnt get to see him for hours. I was a lil dead inside. I pumped the best I could and got like one tube of milk.

I wanted him to be breastfed so bad. I rushed to his room and they were feeding him with a tube of formula...my heart broke again. I felt like i failed him twice. I got over it but it hurt so bad that I couldnt do something so natural for this little helpless pile of love. I did my best to make it through that day.

And the days to follow


He came home on the 1st of March....a day I will always remember....he was the only baby to get released at 9pm, cause he was supposed to be released the friday before and someone lost the papers.






Now....

Here I sit...coming up on 17 months later. He is a wonderful young individual. He has matured so much from that fragile 5lb preemie (6.8 at birth). He stands tall and walks proud. He eats well and breaths completely unassisted. I love him as much if not more today than that first day.


I sit here

I sit here and wonder when and how my next bundle is to come into my life. I wonder how my first bundle will relate to my new bundle. I wonder how my new bundle will be as an individual. I crave to expand my family.
I do so coming from a place of love and complete happiness and yet fear is holding me back. Fear of lack of money, fear of lack of preparedness, and fear of slipping back into a me I never want to revisit. I doubt I would ever be as depressed as I was before I found out seth was with us. Yet I know how hard trying again will be. I know the risks of losing more babies. I know its worth the risk. I know I can do this. Seth and baby2 need each other. They need a sibling to call family. I know seth will have his friends growing up but nothing is like the love of a sibling. I only wish I knew of a way to make this happen sooner than later.


I have already started to dream of B2. This is how seth came to me. This wonderful soul visited me in my dreams and comforted me. He told me how hard it would be and yet how much love I would have for him and how that love would make everything ok. I cant give up on B2, I cant. I am meant to be a parent to this soul. The soul that haunts me every loss. This soul that is trying so very hard to be a part of my family. I just need to make the body in which it can live safely and healthfully. I must come to a comfort zone that will make this happen. B2 has been waiting too long, through too much loss.

I love you already B2, and your big sibling S loves you too.

You tell me honey, you tell me when its time for you to join us. I will do what ever I can to make it happen and will welcome you gladly with the same open arms I welcomed S with. I love you, and see you working so hard in summerland. I know you were with S when he arrived and you helped him stay safe. I love you so much for that. I love you for sacrificing yourself for him. Your time is near. Just let me know youre ready, im ready, let me know its time and I will do what ever I need to get to you.


I love you all my precious angels. I love you more than any letter will ever let you know. And I know you understand and feel that love.

Hugs from ommy J...kisses too.