crap i found on live journal...damn i was young and stupid

Saturday, March 10th, 2007
3:09 am	stream of consciousness...dont even know how to spell... Tonight was fun....mostly....But i broke several fundamental self designed and self designated rules. Always be true to yourself, never drive drunk, always be honest even if you can only tell yourself the truth. As i go through life i put myself through many tests. Most i pass, all i learn from and few I fail. Tonight I went on a date with a seemingly hetero woman. Wasnt so much a date and as excuse for both of us to get out fo the house...we are for what ever reasons mostly nonsocial people. I hate this about myself. So out comes the social lube. I even felt like dancing tonight. NEVER OCCURS IN MY WORLD. But a few strange occurances happend. A person im not sure if i wanted around touched me. A man dressed as a woman touched me. And I did nothing to stop them. Am i just becoming socially ok with people I do not like entering my space....am i back at the stage i was in when i gave up and started dating men? Why must all this shit be so hard to sort out. that is not a question but rather an on going life lesson. For those of you who dont know I work with special abilities children....My favorite of which is children who have autism...they are so lovable....but are fundamentally incapable of generalizing the question "WHY?" ...everything is either black and white in their world or they make it black and white. I sort of envy and dislike this particular inability to generalize. I mean I would love to live in a world where everything was planned out....but I know I would also miss freedom of choice....That leads to another thought though....do we really have choices...or do we just have consequences for our actions even if we didnt plan the actions or not. That is how life is for the autistic. LIving in a suposedly black and white world. They are just unaware of their superiors constant molding of daily life into a socialy normative rote sort of lifestyle. In that way I would not want that life at all. I would need to be certain that the being predisposing my destiny knew atleast more than educators know about Applied Behavior Analysis, or I would not want my life to rest in their hands. That just makes me sad though, because these kids rely on me and my peers to help them form into functioning adults in society. So the basics of this writing was....though it may be extremely lacking in bluntness....is that I AM PMSING, I AM SAD, I WISH I HAD A JOB THAT DIDNT CHALLENGE ME EMOTIONALLY, I WANT A HUG, LIFE SUCKS. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 24th, 2005
11:14 pm	i guess this place is safe to write in...at this point i dont really care I dont know what im trying to write here but if i dont let my thoughts out of my head and into the world i will not be able to pass what ever stage it is that I am in. maybe i need therapy again, no actually i know i do but maybe i need something more than therapy. Who cares about that..its not what im trying to say. I need to find myself again i guess all these girl and life changes have forced me to lose sight of myself once again. I know im in the same room as me but ive lost touch with what i need out of life or maybe im just not being completely honest with the world about what i want cause if everyone knew then it would make me vulnerable so i carry this mask that they have given me of the shy girl who sits in the corner when all i really want to be is the talkative friendly taken girl. Yes i said taken. i want someone to share my life with a partner a friend a person whom i can say anything to and know that they wont walk away or step on my heart. Just when i think ive found a girl like that i find out i was horribly wrong, or that they are just not ready for what it is that I want. Then i take it personally as if maybe i shouldnt want what i want. Maybe i am being naive or wanting too much, but I refuse to give up, or let in. If i dont push for what i want out of life who will. If that means im single forever then who cares...well i do care, but its not worth compromising myself even though that is exactly what i do areound girls that like me or i like them i am anything but myself. I am in a way because no matter what i am me. But i want the old me back the good the bad the worse. I want to be naughty again, sex isnt a bad thing, sex isnt evil. I should just let lose and do as i please. what is keeping me from doing so. why do i need to tell everyon that im celibate. Its like im trying to keep up this lonely shy girl persona when i shouldnt be. What ever. i dont know what im saying anymore and im not getting to the point. I really like Katherine and wish it wasnt so damn hard to talk to girls when you like them. I hate when things get confusing. I just want to love someone. I just want to care about someone as someone cares about me. The older i get the more i feel the need to understand my own past, but i think this need is keeping me from having a present or a future with people other than myself. So i am here to both forgive and let rest to all things of my past. Yes melanie that means you. I know you will never read this but our relationship was an inapropriate one. yes mom that means you are right, I should never have married her and i was too young to start being that sexual. Now that im older i guess i see that but i never would have had the chance to see it unless i experianced it. I should not have had sex with 10 men just to make sure im lesbian. It was inappropirate and leaves me in this limbo identity of almost BI. I think thats why i hate bi people so much. Maybe I am one of them. I need to stop the cycle of hate and negative feelings. I need to be more accepting of myself so that i can be accepting of others. I have loved a few people over the summer in the extreme ways i used to love people when i was a teenager. Is this my new comming of age. Is this the real feelings i should of had when i was that age. Is it to late to become the person ive wanted to be all a long. All i know right now is that im so lonely that i could cry. But i cant cry enough. I need to let loose i need to be free. I need to be ok alone and happy together. its ok to be single and its ok to be alone. its ok to be hugged and loved. I deserve to be surrounded by people who love me. Just be yourself and dont not do things because you think someone might not like it. being me is the key. if it feels like something kind to do then do it. that is all for now (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 8th, 2005
3:44 am	song Invalid video URL. music video code by urbnmix.net fall out boy - sugar we're going down (Comment on this)
Friday, July 29th, 2005
7:56 am	trying to read this book... blah its soo damn hot already, why why must summer be so hot, why cant we have nice lil rain storms? anyway i read this book back when i was 13 or 14, its called life 101, and is a great book, but probably too indepth for a 13 year old and so its making me think, if I was trying to read stuff like this everytime i picked up a book so far it is no wonder that I rarely pick up a book in the first place. I need to find some fun books to read, maybe I will go to tower today. I was going to read my library of sorts to start off with, but its mostly filled with relationship improvement books, lesbian erotica, or obsolete school books, none of which are motivating me to open them and read all the words. I finally had to go online to get a version of life 101 that i could edit out all the distracting quotes. I mean i love this book but i have the attention span of an ant lately and cant be distracted by all these tid bits of wisdom. Should i be picky and care what form i am reading in as long as im reading? i guess im only picky cause i know i can read things on the computer but i want to like reading straight from the book, which i have yet to find a book that i can read cover to cover without wanting to die. Im working on this though..i am determind to find a book that i both love and can read without it causing me pain. I love to write after all, and i dont want to cause other people pain, so why are books causing me pain, i never did anything mean to them, and i respect that someone put their soul on paper. I dunno i feel like im rambling here, probably because i slept too much yesterday and now im on one of my staying awake allday things..blah..i better stop here before i go on about nothing for a novel worth of crap..anyway if any of you have read "life 101" by john-roger and peter williams..let me know...k? i want to see if im the only one that thinks the quotes are cool but distracting? and if you have read it maybe you could point me to a book similar yet less painful to read. thanks Current Mood: bored (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 27th, 2005
2:01 am	majesta is writing again...finally..a sign that im happy Untitled... You sit there holding it thinking, no I don’t want to do this, but you know it will release all that has built up within you over time, you know it is what you need, it is what drives your every days thoughts. You lift the sharp edge to the sky and ask for some divine intervention, but no one is listening to your cries, no one hears the soul deep inside of you crying. You alas give in to the urge to free yourself; you lower the edge and gently slide it across your barren skin. Out pours the live, the pain, the hell that has built up within you, out pours the wounded part of your soul. It pours out in the form of blood, the form of life not yet lived, the form of freakish thoughts ever lasting, you wish for it to stop your pain, but with it comes more pain, but this pain is real it is tangible, you can feel it, see it, taste it with everything that you are and so can the rest of the world. It is not some hidden feeling like sorrow, heartbreak or grief, it is not some imaginary thing like emotion, it is real and this very reality shocks you into submission every time. You can not keep it away, you can avoid it, you can put it off, but you will never truly be free until you release the pain within, and show the world that this pain you feel is real, just as real as if you were ran over by a diesel truck. But then you think, why, why the fuck must I show the world, why are they so fucking blind as to not see my pain. Is my pain any less real that if I were struck by lightening or if I fell from a burning building? NO! you scream as the blood draining from your body begins to slow, no your pain is real and they don’t give a fuck that it is, that is your real problem, you know that the words they say don’t mean shit, that they are empty words of compassion, that they are really calling you crazy behind your back. You think why must I care what they think, why must I breath the air that they breath, why must I give a damn. And then you reach into your soul and you find the solace you were in search of, you find that you are the only one that gives a damn if you live or die and then and only then you promise yourself that you are now going to do both, live and die on your terms. No one is going to tell you to take another breath if you don’t think you want to, and no one is going to tell you to lay in a grave until you are damn well ready…so fuck the world, fuck them all, its just you, you and it in alone in a room, now free of the pressure that was building for so long, and yet it still drives your every thought. You now have clotted, you will soon scar and then the scar will dissipate, but it will always be there in the back of you mind, you will always wonder when and where the next time will be that you must cut yourself deep enough to reach your soul and set it free. Current Mood: naughty (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 26th, 2005
5:09 pm	yeah so its late and i just woke up... i finally got the birthday that i wanted...well so far...nothing to do but sleep and do what the fuck i want...got a few emails from friends some happy some not..oh well..im too sleepy to care...i think im going to read a book today..time for me to start liking books, if 22 isnt a good time what is...well for now im going to curl up with my stuffed animals and veg...hugs to all who care....HAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPYYYYY DAIZE Current Mood: apathetic (Comment on this)
12:00 am	happy birthday me!!!! yay for me...im finally old...22...no biggie..maybe now i will become all mature and responsible..but i doubt it. More likely to just have fun whenever i feel like it...got to love having fun when you please..and I am old enough to pick when where and how..so watch out...im hyper and ready for some fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: dorky (Comment on this)
Friday, July 22nd, 2005
1:20 am	life.... Life has a weird way of sorting things out, or is that time, I'm not sure what it is but I know it felt good to tell people at social that I am finally happy with myself, I love me, and nothing is going to change that, not a girl, sure as hell not a boy, and not my mother, I am happy for once and i just recently realised that this is what I am feeling, didnt recongnise this feeling as it went into a coma a few years back, but the giggly girl finally woke up...the girl that loves good times, the girl that will do anything at anytime to let someoneelse feel this good, the girl that isnt afraid to wear her heart on her sleeve cause she knows she will take care of it even if no one else does, the girl that doesnt give a shit what someone else thinks of her the girl that just wants to life and let life, love and be loved, the girl that all of you miss, she is back and shes having a great time...IM not afraid of the dark, the world, the night, im not afraid to love myself and other people, im not afraid to care to feel to do what ever i fucking feel like, IM not a slut im not a fucked up teenager im nothing that anyone else projects me to be, I am ME that simple folks, take me or leave me, wont have much effect cause I have and will live, love and smile with or without you...with you would probably be better since im sure if we are friends you make me smile, but if your intentions are to make me frown, cry, or even die then bye bye because this lil girl is not buying into your way of life anymore, this lil girl is all grown up and loves the woman that she has become...im so glad that im happy now, and im going to stay this way...im not giving up on me anymore...so ladies get ready...BABYMAJJIE IS BACK AND READY FOR SOME FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: naughty (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 20th, 2005
1:22 am	drinking..mmmm not drunk yet..probably wont be...but i feel nice...and laid back...mmmmm...and im talking to a cute girl...at least i think shes cute in her pic...too bad she and i havent met so we could be hanging out now instead im typing in this weird journal i created to get a gold star cause i love gold stars...lol...well taht is all. Current Mood: drunk